


Fear & Anger

by aseocheviix



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Sad Spock, crimes against spock, idk if this is angsty or not but, scotty is only briefly mentioned, since jim dies for a while in stid, that's a canon death btw, this was made 2 years ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 04:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16360385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aseocheviix/pseuds/aseocheviix
Summary: "Where is the Captain, Mr. Sulu?""Our sensors are down, sir, I can't find him."





	Fear & Anger

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2016

"Where is the Captain, Mr. Sulu?"

Spock's voice is in a hurry and has a clear hint of concern when he addresses Sulu just as he stood up from the chair, rushing over to him in need of knowing his Captain's situation right now at their moment.

"Our sensors are down, sir, I can't find him."

The information the Lieutenant gives him makes Spock breathe a subtle sigh from his nostrils, his eyebrows twitching downwards in annoyance.

The screen brightens and shows a hailed video, and there appears Jim in Khan's arms, phaser to his back, his face slightly beaten and paler than usual.

"Captain."

Spock doesn't realize it, but all the emotions he felt as of the moment, seeing his Captain captive and in Khan's arms—HIS Captain, his only Captain—slipped through his mouth in that word that he loved to say the most, other than his given name; James.

Anger. Confusion. Loneliness.

Fear.

Fear grew in Jim's blue eyes—brilliant, vibrant, too blue eyes. And there was no such thing as something too blue. There was no such thing as not blue enough, for it is simply blue, as such there can never be something "too blue".

But those eyes of Jim's were too blue, and the fear was transmitted to Spock as well, just as his Captain called out for him before being knocked out by Khan.

"Spock, don't—!"

Spock felt bits and pieces of his composure losing each second he's not aware of just how safe or unsafe his Captain may be.

And he felt everyone could tell just by how impulsive and illogical his body moved, when he edged closer to the screen as Jim was hit.

* * *

Spock lets the concern fill his face as he hears Mr. Scott's slightly off voice fill the comm, telling him he needs to head to the warp core. He breathes heavily first before rushing out of his chair and running towards the area to the warp core, and upon arriving he is met with Scott, teary-eyed, shaking his head.

Speechless.

Spock looks over to the doors to the warp core and goes over to it, to see the horrification he could already somehow predict.

There, behind the glass door, was James Tiberius Kirk, the Captain, HIS Captain, breathing in air heavily. Breathing in the toxic. Intaking too much radiation for his body to handle.

His eyes were bloodshot, his skin pale and sweaty, his mouth trying to gasp for clean air. His tears about to fall as he looks back towards Spock, who looks back at him in fear.

Spock chokes in his emotions, his tears, turning towards Scott and demanding him to open the door, to save his Captain.

"The decontamination process is not complete, you'll flood the whole compartment. The door's locked, sir."

Anger and annoyance take over for a brief moment, appearing in his features as a clear scowl and furrowed eyebrows, but Spock lets it go as he looks back at the emotions that Mr. Scott is also trying to hold in, and slowly failing in doing so.

Breathing heavily, Spock risks looking back towards Jim, who closes the doors to the warp core, to let the radiation filter out of the sub-compartment.

Jim looks up to him, his eyes still as blue as Spock remembered.

"How's our ship?"

And his concern for the crew still there—always there.

It's one of the many things Spock admired about this Captain of his.

"Out of danger. ...You saved the crew."

Spock's voice was breaking. His normal stoic composure clearly was, as well.

"You used what he wanted against him. .....That's a nice move."

"It is what you would've done."

"And this.... This is what you would've done. It was only _logical_."

And that was what made them a great team. They do opposing things, and yet they're both a part of one undiscussed plan. But the other half of the team, the other half of a whole heart and a whole mind, was slowly disappearing.

Gasping for more air that seemed to feel like it was disappearing and instead being replaced by burning sensations, Jim finally began to cry.

"I'm scared, Spock.... Help me not be."

Spock wasn't entirely sure how to help rid Jim of the fear of death, because Spock could feel the fear in himself as well. He could feel the emotions Admiral Pike had when he was dying as well.

He felt and understood Jim at that moment.

He felt that he was losing a loved one and a friend.

He felt Jim losing his as well.

And it felt slightly foreign to Spock, being that he meditated as much as possible to keep himself away from the human part of himself. That same human part that brought clear disappointment from his professors when he was a young Vulcan, anger triggered, and injured a classmate of his.

"How do you choose not to feel?"

A shuddering breath escaped Spock as he shook his head, not comprehending what the Captain just said.

"I do not know..... Right now, I am failing."

Jim looks deep into him, and Spock could sense the psy-null human searching his mind somehow. He could feel a light touch, slightly warm and incredibly faint, slowly disappearing from existence. It was a lonely and afraid feather grazing itself across Spock's mind.

"I want you to know....why I went back for you."

Because Jim loved him.

Because Jim couldn't live without him.

Because Jim would've died as well, inside, if Spock didn't successfully live.

"Because you are my friend."

The word slips easily out of Spock's lips, a wet trail coming down his cheek. Another foreign feeling, and one that he never dared to show anyone. Not even Nyota.

Jim appears to try to smile at Spock's reply, but he only coughs and appears all the more in pain. Instead, his hand presses against the glass.

Spock does the same, pressing his hand in a Ta'al against the glass and against Jim's fingers. He watches as Jim follows the Ta'al with his own hand, looking back up at Spock, finally giving him a last smile, before his hand drops down, lifeless, his blue eyes wide with clear fear, and a fading blue.

More strange tears fall from Spock's eyes, and everything rushed to his brain.

Spock felt hurt, lonely, empty, lost, confused, and saddened, as most would.

Body trembling, breath heavy, and mind in a haze, Spock began to feel the emotion he couldn't handle ever since he was a child take over him and bring the murderous and violent intent to his entirety.

Anger.


End file.
